Dear Motherhood: The Next Three Days

Dear Motherhood,
      Day 1: The bonding moments after giving birth are sacred.  And when I say moments I mean 34.8 seconds because that is about how long mom gets before delivering after birth and baby getting carted off to the nursery. It's okay. It's only for two hours. Two. Hours. Oh my God. She was just born!  She NEEDS me! They will poke her. They will make her cry. Unless they are lactating they can't feed her if she gets hungry! For the love of Pete I cannot survive this torture!  And that was emotional breakdown number one.
Day 2: Ahh, safe and sound and in mommy's arms. Or on my boob rather because she lives there now. It's 2am and sleeping beauty is peaceful and in case I haven't told you...perfect. I had somehow survived the longest two hours of my life. I couldn't believe it. I should be sleeping but my husband and I decided to stare at her all night long and not sleep instead. It was worth it.  Everything is going great and I'm finally feeling better. What is that? A band aid.  On her foot. A spot of blood. How could they?! That teeny tiny innocent foot that had done nothing wrong had been subject to needles and torture and Lord knows what else!!! Or perhaps they just got her blood but at the time...I had my doubts. Breakdown number two.
Day 3: After deciding to allow the nursery to have her last night to get some sleep i felt rested. Okay, that's a lie. Another plan gone down the toilet. We tried it out. Her father paced that floor and I tossed and turned and we ate our feelings and then brought her back. Can you blame us? Now we are all tired and impatiently waiting to home to enjoy our first 4th of July as a new family. But first...A hearing test. The tech comes in and wakes me and my princess from our cat nap just in time for her to want to eat. As my child was grusomely ripped from my arms against my will (okay maybe I just handed her over but all the same) the hearing tech from hell starts applying the cords and stickers and earphones to my hungry screaming child making her look like some sort of rap star baby from back to the future. I. Hate. This. The test won't work due to her cries of desperation and near starvation at this point. So I try to feed her as we do the test. And now robo baby is hooked to me covered in wires and....poops. This couldn't be going worse. Is it hot here? I'm on the verge of a full blown panic attack. This kid won't relax. What am I to do? Paci. That's it! We calm her with a paci! I don't have one. That was another plan. No and I mean ZERO pacis.  Ever. Oh god someone find a paci! Another nurse comes in to check her temperature in the mist of this pure chaos. What is in her pocket?  Oh glorious day there is a God!  And a paci! Curses I have been had! Another plan I gladly flush away and we pop the hospital issued paci in her face.  Unfortunately we had given up on the hearing test while this miracle was in the works. Now we have to make an appointment to go through this again.  Breakdown number three.
     After 2 nights, 56 sprites, 10000 saltine crackers, 2.5 million different emotions, and 1 cute baby later...it's time to go home. Glory hallelujah!  It's time to do this on our own. Motherhood....here I come.
Sincerely,
The Mom